Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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