I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
