wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize