I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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