I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize