I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize