My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
