I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
3pm strippers are depressing
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
