So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Pants are for mortals
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
