you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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