the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
