dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
