How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
