he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
