They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
