my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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