Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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