I wanna bring you to show and tell
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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