need another drink. this is the easiest way
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
