Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize