I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
