So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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