took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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