You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
