so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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