Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
