I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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