She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
