I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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