it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
