dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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