if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
