if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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