when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
