i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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