it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
