I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
