This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
