he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Drunk is a universal language darling
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