I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
