I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
