So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
