I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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