he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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