dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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