i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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