Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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