i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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