im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
