I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
