I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
