Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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