you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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