When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
