I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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