Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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