i permit you to call me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
