So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
