I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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