All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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