He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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